Required Medical Leave PT 2

OK, even when I trimmed it way down, it was too much for blooger to accept in the commets. So here I post it (I aslo expanded quite a lot, beyong just responding to the commets.

(This is an expansion on the topic of Required Medical Leave rules, as addressed at my last post.)

Club 166: I agree, that struck me as well. and I have wondered at the back of my head if my mentions of autistic-self advocacy (as opposed to pity awareness) have stirred any fears in the administration at the top, whether this rule is a reflection of that or the implementation of it is a reflection of that culture. My first version of my post addressed this, but I lost it somewhere on my computer.

In any case, even if they won't let me pursue my studies there (they will probably be especially taken aback when they learn that I am intending to become a doctor - from this point on I will probably be judged from the standpoint of how they perceived my functioning at the time of my second quarter at college, regardless of all the cooking and cleaning skills my parents are going to work with me on).

While I will try my best to minimize communication between disability services and professors, which is too bad that I feel compelled to this but that's the world, the community I live in, there are many misconceptions floating about me, due to the very jagged skill profile I have in almost all areas academic, social, and self-care, and the way that people resist these apparent contradictions and try to make the picture fit neatly in their heads.

One thing interesting, is that when my skills fall apart in other areas (such as, not folding the laundry and not having a place to store it so it's everywhere, the trash isn't taken out since I don't know how to sort it, less hygiene), then it's my speech, academics, and so forth that fall apart first, but I ramp up the socializing and other leisure activities.

So it was interesting, on the ABAS, when comparing my ratings to the disability services director, that while most of the ratings more or less agreed, when it came to leisure, mine was much higher than her rating (like 9 or 11 compared to, say, 3), as my extracurriculars like the gay rights and disability rights clubs and my social life were the only things that were strong at that time, aside from my obsession with Cabaret and my own musical I am writing (Aspielicious).

It made me wonder: she knew I was active in the clubs and knew people in them and interacted with them, so - did she rate me so low, on the assumption that someone whose life skills were so much less than most people my age have mastered cannot attain a satisfactory leisure life?

Is it that someone who listens to the same musical soundtrack over and over MUST become bored with it just like someone who is NT probably would in that time, and only repeats the activity because they have a joyless compulsion towards it, rather than it giving them true pleasure or instilling any passion? (That can be true of OCD, sure, but this is neither here nor there, and I have never been identified under that umbrella.)



Adelaide Dupont:

The GAF was determined based on the ABAS score (I answered a questionnaire and so did the disability services director). I took the ABAS with my parents, a teacher and I believe a neuropsychologist rating, the month before graduating high school, so if they give me trouble over it, we can try to dig up that paperwork and show it to them (it ought to be a higher score since I wasn't living alone then - while it doesn't really prove anything other than functioning fluctuates that anyone worth their salt in the educational/disability fields ought to know, it would be worth it to demonstrate that I am not in developmental stasis, especially after my parents have had the time to teach me some other life skills so that I can manage better on my own. (I'm going to ask my mom to get me a flip fold!)

As for half-truths, for instance - I don't have problems with all fragrances, but it seems to have to do with how mild it is, or how familiar (like an orange fragrance lotion). Also, there were things like when I mentioned bullying in junior high, the report describes classmates locking me in a room for hours, when I very clearly stated it was a counselor (whether it was typo, memory fault, wrongly noted in haste, or whatever - it's not that the authors of these reports are deceptive, its that details, sometimes major ones, get misunderstood or changed, and the problem arises when such a report is used as more than just an impressionist painting of the state of living at the time for me, but is used as a basis for future decisions about my life).

Another example of half-truth, for instance, is this little gem of misinterpretation: according to the report "Melody wanted it known that she cannot do 'stranger talk'. When someone approaches her she doesn't know or barely knows and begins to talk with her she becomes totally overwhelmed. Then that feeling of being overwhelmed gets attached to layers of more anxiety based on stimuli (color, smell, noise) and Melody has to stop what she's doing and try to recover. At times the ending result is she has to return home when she can and recover."

What this is likely based on, was when I said that I have much more difficulty initiating speech with strangers and people I don't know well, than with people I know well, and may try to wait or get the other person to initiate speech first, unless it's some situation where it's very important for me to initiate speech, and that in those cases I have to pay more attention to the surrounding senses and this is why I tend to stim more around strangers than with people I'm close to, so that I am able to recover my words for conversation. So I may rock or flap or spin or make noise like echolalia or whatever is most practical at the time.

I may be more fortunate about how these reports are taken, since it states near the beginning that I've never had an IEP, a couple times, even though I had an IEP for a couple years, and a 504 accommodation plan since I was 10 or 11 from the ASD evaluation that occurred between the ages of 9 and 10, and we have copies of the papers that prove it. Most reports that have the similar half-truths about people's lives do not have such a glaring inaccuracy, so a person disputing a therapist's report may be considered to have much less credibility when critiquing the report to other professionals than I would have, and even I may not be taken seriously since it could be blamed on "me not being clear" (but then again, so is just about every other statement and interpretation made in the report about me - just as prone, if not more, to biases and miscommunications on mine and the psychologist's part).

So this report certainly has its valid uses, namely its original purpose of identifying services I would be eligible for, and the diagnosis, but the problem is that in order to have the director of disability services participate in the survey of ABAS, I had to sign a form that information could be shared with her (or so I was led to believe anyway). With this new rule implemented and what I perceive to be a growing climate of fear towards people who act atypically, and an impulse to boot them off campus instead of connecting them to services that can help them, as happened with me, all too slowly.

Myself, I was studying physics, planning to study theoretical particle physics, but I lost my passion for it, and decided to pursue my true love, despite all the flak I am sure to face: medicine. See, I've wanted to be a doctor since at least junior high when I realized what it was really like (and not like the silly TV dramas), and especially catapulted towards it when I was 16 and a neurologist presented to our school (I was in the bio-medical club) and described his experiences as an intern. I remember thinking, "Wow, with my lack of social life, I could spend all day studying with some breaks to leisure so I can maintain sanity!"

Unfortunately, in the report, they wrote that "it seems clear that teaching would be a very challenging and unlikely career path...as it would likely depend heavily on her weaknesses" I do agree that it would be challenging and unlikely, but for entirely different reasons. They think me very rigid because I like routines and derive great pleasure from them, but I am not disturbed when they are broken, as I was when I was a child, and I have always loved spontaneous breaks in routine, if I had a moment's notice or was in control and it was not an unpleasant activity I would actually enjoy the spontaneity (forever an odd autistic - spontaneity-loving routine-making autistics are out there!!! :) ).

So while I think that, provided that I learn life skills more (and even the report acknowledges that I will likely have "a significant degree of independence as an adult" with skills teaching - the phrase "as an adult" initially gave me pause, but given that I was scarcely 19 and referred to as a young woman elsewhere, I don't think it is being suggestive of a perception of youth, even if such perceptions exist in her mind), so that I can be successful on my own, that I could be successful as a doctor, I now hesitate to consult with academic or student advising about things such as course selection (due to my extensive illnesses - really I think that rather than the illnesses the main thing that kept me out of school was the crisis I was going through, in wanting to pursue a subject where people wouldn't have confidence in me - people almost expect autistic theoretical physicists these days, but not autistic medical doctors, who work clinically rather than in research).

I think I can manage on my own mostly, correspond with professors (for some reason I am generally more comfortable contacting professors by visiting their office in person than by e-mailing, whereas for certain social and professional interactions I am more comfortable in e-mail).

However, I do think that the prejudices will be difficult to manage - I started out the year out and proud, faced certain consequences, some expected some unexpected, and now I plan to lay low around the professors, yet wish to continue advocacy work and encourage other neurodivergent students - I feel myself caught in a vortex, a paradox of ideals and aspirations, seeking out a pattern for reconciliations. Odd that in this age of acceptance my peers have lost the subtext.

No Shirt, No Speech, No Service?

Well...I was wearing a shirt. It was pretty chilly that night after all.

In the recent times at the cafeteria, I have had difficulty with telling what's what on the menu. Given that I am vegan with a probable dairy allergy or intolerance, this can delay me a bit.
So we, as part of the student disability organization, put in a request for individual labelling of all the items.
Which has not come to pass. So I will put in another request of this.

But in the meantime, what was supposed to happen if I was confused about
what an item was, is I was supposed to get help from someone there.
Since I often can't talk in there, I go near to somebody and point to
the location, and use body language and such. Which usually takes a long
time because I have a hard time identifying somebody who works there,
but once I see them then they see me and help me and no problem.

However, today right from the start I was in front of somebody working
there (who was the cashier working, so busy I understand, but still
there were several times when there was a lull of people coming in and
she went to do other things such as going to the coffee and wiping
tables, walking past me, giving me a look and then passing me by).

I start to think, after 10 minutes or so, that in the off chance she
hasn't seen me standing there, and after 20 minutes try to exaggerate my
expressions and flapping and rocking more. Now by this time I didn't
even care about the dessert anymore, but I just didn't want this whole
"ignoring me to go right past me and do tables and stuff"
to go on.

After about 40 minutes when she does acknowledge me (after having walked
past me, cleaned the dessert table I was standing right next to), she
said, "Okay, what do you want?" Indicating, aside from the eye contact,
that she had indeed seen me trying to get her attention.
I pointed to the dessert I was interested in and to the sign that read
"vegan" to the side of it and postured myself questioningly, as I wasn't
sure that it was referring to that dessert or not (there was no board
listing the desserts tonight).

She said, "Yes, you can have a dessert if you want."

And walked off. Then she said to another adult there, "She's always
acting like this."

Then later on she kept going to clean tables and glancing at a newspaper
as I kept trying to get her attention, using the body language of the
sentence of "But that doesn't really answer my question" and continuing
to flap my hands and look and point at the dessert table and the "vegan"
sign, as well as to look in her direction.

When she finally did come back, she said, "What do you want?" and picked
up a dessert. I pointed at the dessert, then pointed at the "vegan"
sign, and then she said, "Yes, it's vegan. Do you want it or not?" and
held it in front of me. I took one from the table top. She then said,
"You have to talk louder so I can hear." I then touched my throat and
moved my hands around so that she may understand that I was unable to
speak, not speaking softly. She then said, "There's nothing wrong with
your throat." Which A) she didn't know even that because I didn't talk
in the greenery today and B) obviously she doesn't know about interacting with autistic people.

I'm not sure what to do except for there to be better understanding
among school staff (including dining venues) about how interacting with
someone who's partially non-verbal doesn't mean you have to freak out or
think that they're non-communicative, particularly when clearly communicating
about something this simple. I hate this myth that NV = not
communicating, and even though I'm mostly verbal I run into it a lot.
It's not that you don't notice that the person who is rocking and waving
and pointing at the table and looking back at you needs help - it's that
you think their method of communicating their need is lesser, and
therefore not in need of attention. That's exactly the kind of attitude
I'm constantly up against, and the kind we need to educate out of
existence, so that we prevent consequences that are far more serious
than waiting an hour for a meal or a dessert.

Note: In another correspondence about this matter, there appeared to be a bit of misperception about where my complaint lies. I wrote the following to clarify:

This kind of dismissal of nonverbal communication and derision of the individual who communicates atypically, has led in the past and if not address will continue to lead to, far more serious repercussions to the individuals experiencing these attitudes (some of them from a non-school setting such as institutional abuses, whereas many, many others may also occur in a school setting). It is like a parallel to a woman who is forever considered a "little girl" and not considered capable of (or deserves protection from) making decisions for themselves.

Degraded or Just Degrading?

This is something I typed up at school following a frustrating series of events involving the school psychologist.

Today I got to school late, arriving in time for my second class.

Last week.

I had finished up the IQ testing from the psychologist, and he told me that the following Wednesday during 5th block, that I would be in that room with some other people for further testing, and he asked if I liked donuts. I said no (actually I shook my head). They're okay, but I'm trying to get myself off of sweets for awhile. He asked what I wanted, and after long while, I said, "Goldfish". He said, "Nah, we're not going to bring goldfish." I wondered if he thought I'd meant actual fish, but I doubted it by the way he was acting. I guess he had been thinking in terms of sweets. Never mind the fact that I had no idea what they were for, except that it was supposed to be on Wednesday at fifth block (my second class of that day).

Wednesday fifth block I had a final exam scheduled. So I said this and he said he'd take care of it with my teacher. I was so busy double checking that this was going to get taken care of that I forgot to ask if I should come straight to the room or if I'd wait for a call slip. I told my instructor for that class and scheduled my final exam to take place on Monday instead of Wednesday.

So this Wednesday morning. I was still sick in the morning, and because of having part of my tongue chewed up (must've been overnight), it hurt a lot to eat breakfast, particularly as grains of rice would keep going to the side of my tongue that's sore and red and hurts a fair amount. It takes me quite awhile to get ready in the morning anyway, and my mom had to get to work (she was already running late), so I would take two buses to get to school, despite being tired, having a sore throat, and my tongue aching like heck, making it practically impossible to speak with my mom this morning. But I know I've got to get there by fifth block, which starts a few minutes after ten. So I struggle to keep awake and eat my food and leave for the bus, even rushing to catch the right connections so I could get to school by 10. It wasn't easy, considering that normally it takes two hours by bus to get to school, but if the first bus gets there on time (a very rare occurence) and the second bus happens to arrive less than five minutes after I leave the first bus, I can just make it to school in an hour and a half.

So things work out, and I get to school at 10:00 - the start of fifth block. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to wait for a call slip or just go there right away, so I went to his office to find out. As soon as I get there, without any other word or explanation, he looks away, gives a slight shake of the head, and says, "This is unacceptable" in what is clearly an angry tone. I'm utterly confused. I struggled and worked my hardest this morning to get ready, even without someone to help me brush my hair or prompt me to the things I need to do. Even when I was sick and really tired and had to fight most instincts of mine to get to school at all.

I'm about to get a "huh?" in, when he says, "Where were you? Did you just get here? They were here at 8:30. I just asked one thing, and you didn't do it."

At this point, I ascertain that there had been a miscommunication about when the testing thing was supposed to happen. I didn't even really know what it was, or how important it was (it had almost sounded like a mini-party or something when he'd last described it, and I'd speculated that there was about 50/50 chance that it'd be a "hooray for a graduating senior who's using special services" type thing to congratulate my hard efforts to make up so much work from my classes that I'd been sick during, and the other side of that probability was that it was some testing thing that they were trying to dress up by adding a sweet in it as a reward or something. It was very vague, not only the time, the way I'd get there, but also what exactly was going on or if it was important at all. I motivated myself this morning partially by wondering if it'd show how I did on the IQ test, and however much I question the validity of such a test (particularly using the WAIS on an autistic person with verbal difficulties), I have an affinity for data analysis and was highly curious. That was mainly what I thought was going to happen this morning.

So he is clearly mad, and I try to explain that I was told it was during fifth block, which is why I rescheduled my final exam with my instructor to be two days earlier and hadn't brought my taekwondo uniform with me that day, as I was told it'd last the whole block. He then proceeded to say, "I don't know why you did that."

The most frustrating thing was that I wasn't trying to put blame on something, but merely figure out what was going on, but he was very angry, and it was clear that I was stuck: I couldn't participate in class, but clearly I had nothing to do here.

I was upset and didn't want to start cursing or anything to make my situation worse, so I went into the bathroom and called my mom, who happened to be in a meeting, but I did not know what to do at all, and I felt that if I talked to the director of special services or the other teachers that I'd get more of the blame game, as had happened the last time I'd inquired about when the testing would happen, at a time when I was about to graduate in less than a month and nothing had begun and I had been told that it would start two days before, but no call slip came. Both the psychologist and the director of special services got quite noticeably upset that time, and seemed to think I was being too rigid and pushy, while meantime I was still drowning in mountains of homework packets that were finished with exceptions of some in-class notes but that I couldn't seem to organize, and no one responded to my requests for help with this.

Last year, when the blame game had been put so pointedly to me, it had escalated to a teacher berating me about unwillingness to complete a test which did not exist, and that I had been saying I didn't have a pencil with me, and that instance led me to being close to jumping off the second story balcony, mainly because I couldn't handle everything that's misunderstood always being put down to my being autistic because of course non-autistic people can't have communication problems, and my head felt like it was about to explode and I just needed to dull the emotional explosiveness of the verbal abuse that lasted for almost an hour. Fortunately I ran into the bathroom instead. If they can so easily misconstrue my lack of materials for stubborn unwillingness, then who knows how they would've misinterpreted such an act and put it down to being neurotic or psychotic or something?

So I knew I couldn't confront these staff-type people, not at the moment, so I called my mom while in the bathroom, tried to explain the situation, but it was exceedingly difficult, as the morning announcements were playing, my throat was sore, and the room was quite echoey, in addition to a bad connection and my frustrated emotional state. I really felt like I'd been f***d over.

My mom said that she had about ten more minutes to the meeting, then she'd come to the school and help me sort it out, so when I left her phone call, I called my dad at work and briefly explained some of this, though it was hard to get across over a bad reception. It helped a lot to explain the situation, though, as I could look at just what had happened and was right in front of me, rather than including all the past history of negativity, silencing, and ignoring of me that had gone on over the years in my list of "to take care of in the next hour".

She arrived shortly, and after I briefly appraised her of the situation, we went into his office.

He explained the situation in the context of my extended absences, and the fact that these people who came this morning were supposed to be autism specialists who are booked up from now to graduation, so that they couldn't complete the evaluations. He described me as, from teacher reports, having "degraded" - by which I could only assume was measured by outward behavior such as stims and how I act in crowds. Indeed, in the last four years, while I wouldn't describe the gain or loss of abilities as degradation, I have become more emotionally well, more accomodating of changes, and don't seem to have any more or less of difficulties with the comprehension and expression of communicative speech. While I was more vocal (to my impression) in the first couple year of high school, most of this was echoed from TV, or parts of programmed scripts that did not wholly or accurately reflect my attempts to communicate particular things. In the previous years of my life, I would mask my incomprehension of particular speech, or my inability at a particular time to produce non-echoed speech, by recycling a part of a script, or by echoing something, and masked my incomprehension by guesswork and maneuvering. It is only recently that I have come to shed the pretense that I can do more than in fact I can, and now seek help when I need it for instance in academic classes.

In fact, my increase of outward behaviors such as rocking, is a reflection of my increased ability to regulate my stress, and the fact that I no longer hide where my abilities may be less than other people expected them to be, does not mean that I have suddenly have lost those abilities (which I either never had in the first place or which have been tenuously in place).

It is no surprise that he is speculating that autism (by which I'm sure he means the diagnostic category of Autistic Disorder) fits me - I could've told him that when I was 13 and knew practically nothing about the autism spectrum or what it means to me as far as my ability and disability may be. There is significant overlap between the Asperger diagnosis and the Autistic diagnosis, and if the Asperger diagnosis didn't exist then there would not be sufficient differential diagnosis for them to avoid the Autistic Disorder diagnosis (though likely I would've been instead put in PDD-NOS, despite matching the other two diagnoses). It was confusing at first when he was talking, since I'm used to thinking of autism as referring to the commonality among autistics, rather than as a separate diagnostic subgroup. 

WHen asked if she'd noticed this "degratation" pattern, my mom responded that "well, I've been called to the school to pick her up more, than in the first two years". It is important to note that the primary reasons for getting taken home from the school have been: spinning during independent study, sitting under a desk during animation (this one specifically mentioned by the psychologist as an example of said "degradation"), and being sick. None of these things sound like degradation to me, aside from being sick, but that doesn't have to do with autism, so I find it highly unlikely that this might be what he's referring to.

The use of this term degradation (which occurred more than once) intrigued me, particularly as the medicalized term for being more obviously autistic is regression. Not that I agree with that term either (In fact my senior quote had to do with this), but it struck me as odd.

It is so difficult to talk to these people because it isn't just that they misinterpret things about me, which is to be expected in the human world, even amongst NTs. The problem is that these misinterpretations fall under and are condoned by the structural radar of the psychological and educational systems, and one must alter the structure in order to fully understand the context in which these objections arise.

In this context, objections are incredibly difficult. Online, when debating, even if the other person is so misinformed about autistic rights and neurodiversity that they think it means we want kids to bang their heads all day and sit in institutions all their lives, that still is far easier to correct misinterpretations and alter their understanding of the structures, for in this case the other person acknowledges my position exists, even if they deny the existence of my culture and its framework for interpreting the world. In the case of the psychological and educational systems, however, theirs is default and yours doesn't even exist, and it would take too long to explain it, and most are unwilling to hear such a lengthy introduction to my existence and perspectives, whereas I am supposed to take for granted their perspectives and the alleged fact that theirs are superior and that I am to conform to them.

People who are high school students at my high school, whether they're ADD, NVLD, or NT, they are much better on average to understand and be  willing to listen to my understanding of myself, which is far greater than could be the perspectives of a leading autism researcher, for even such a person has such grand misunderstanding of several key areas of understanding autistic people in  general, much less for this to be applied to an individual.

Perhaps it is that people whose temperaments are more inclined to not reach into another person's perspectives, but are rather much more socially adept when among those whose brains work roughly similarly with regard to social perception, are gravitated toward this field. Certainly the structure of the psychological/educational fields encourages this thinking, and if it was not before present, then surely during this stage it becomes cultivated. One cannot work within such a restrictive system without being altered somewhat by the experience in their perceptions of the individuals with whom they work, particularly if their first acquantaince with such individuals is through this course of study and practice.

This is what is unacceptable.

Note: When transferring this file to the computer, I also got this weird little malfunction:

esrucues,oni asetheot sackowlge mypostiet,ee ifthed e xsece f mculuaditsfraw  ierpeti t lInthecasethe psychologica aneatnlsysmshv irs euays desnt eni, n iwoud k to l eainit,andoaullig th hlenthyintdity eisnen erpev rea mppoed o erantd teireevandthealeata thisresperorda torm o temPeplewhrischol tudtwhertherAD,ND,o noe otae heae mhtr on aerae turn nd e  ilg tento y ueadinfs,wichis r ern old   eetivs o a agts reearerfe suh apron as ucran idertndi srlky aeasfdtingauttpln  enel,ules f s t e aplidto individual.

I think I will use it as the basis for a language I make up. :)

----

Tact and Advocacy

I sincerely would like to apologize about some of the insensitive people who claim to speak for the autistic community but in truth don't.

I am not strictly describing pro-cure NTs. There are also autistics who get on my nerves because not only are they narrow-minded, but they show no interest in expanding their understanding and perspective.

Of course these people are in the minority. It is unfortunate, however, that Alison Tepper Singer can be put on a video claiming to raise "awareness" as she describes the only reason she didn't kill her autistic daughter was because she had a normal daughter too and even be praised for her "courage", while a few narrow-minded autistics who state their views without presenting them in any kind of logically comprehensible OR emotionally sensitive way are demonized as "nasty self-advocates who want to take our kids' services away."

Like extreme views of anything, people are far too prone to get rigid and nasty about them, autistic or NT. I do not consider myself a "radical" or "extremist" for opposing the idea of cure. I tend to define these terms by the way a group or individual goes about achieving their goals. Of course, there are cases when the goals themselves are extremist and dangerous: who would argue that the advocacy for genocide, racist Social Darwinism, or war-mongering are not of themselves dangerous? Likewise, just because there are dangers to the ways that religious fundamentalists, such as of Christian and Islamic denominations, doesn't mean that everybody who is Christian or Muslim advocates for death to America or persecuting gays.

I hate it when autistics who don't have much of any of the disability aspect try to speak for everybody just as much as I hate it when non-autistic people try to speak for us. It's just no use.

On the Internet, I have encountered many pro-cure people who viciously attacked me even when I wrote about understanding that it can be very difficult for parents; my NT mother has had much trouble with me, and I do not have as many special needs as some others (such as, I can't brush my hair, but I can do toileting; I can speak, but often get overloaded and can't).

Remember everyone: assholes are assholes. Some of them happen to be autistic, some of them happen to be NT. It doesn't mean that either group is more prone to such attitudes.

Autism, while a disability that should receive supports, accommodations, and adaptive skills, should not be eradicated or looked at as wholly negative. I don't want a cure, but I also don't assume that the people who say they want one are bad parents/hate their kids/insert other stereotype.

I believe in diplomacy. This doesn't mean we have to be wishy-washy, roll-over-and-do-what-the-NTs-all-tell-us autistics. We can criticize the foundations of the ideas in favor of cure without resorting to ad hominem attacks on those who support it. Especially this is true since the word "cure" is often used to describe developing adaptive skills (such as speech and toileting), which I do not believe is cure.

While it is still very important that we not concede on helping parents to understand that being nonverbal is not a jail sentence, if the individual is capable and willing, some of these things are useful skills. We should focus more on the WAY the skills are taught, to see that they are not being coerced, that the individual is not made to feel inferior for "autistic behaviors." These, after all, are requisite to human equality, and I have no intention of conceding these goals, which need not be compromised by employing some empathy.

As to the divisions. They are Everywhere.

HFA, LFA, AS? Touch of AS? ND or curebie? Retards and computer geeks. I get pretty sick of it. Especially it annoys me when people use the word 'retard' as an insult. It is to me like using the word 'gay' as an insult. When I was in elementary school, I heard people say, "That is SO GAY - you're so GAY" so much that I preferred the word homosexual. It surprised me much when this summer I got my hands on a copy of The Advocate and some books about the gay rights movement, and I learned that the preferred term in the gay community is just that - gay. Why? Because 'homosexual' was too medicalized a term, one used often when it was a diagnosable disorder voted in by the APA and voted out again in 1973.

Why did I bring this up?

I am not sure at this point if I really forgot my topic or if I was trying to utilise a rhetorical strategy. In any case, the existence of a word alone does not make it offensive or acceptable. In fact, devoid of the usage and origin and other available context, a word has absolutlely no meaning, and is merely a string of the shapes of the letters to form it, and the sounds it would make if one were to produce it.

The problem lies with kids growing up thinking that if someone is gay or retarded, then they are less valuable and worth mocking. Growing up, I frequently got called both. I wonder how many grade-school kids get called "retarded lesbo?"

The fact is, whatever category people try to group me (or anybody else) into, to force-fit like the puzzle piece so many seem to think goes well with autistics into the narrow configuration so many would like to see me fit, I just can't, and I won't. Even though on the surface I resemble the math-and-science-obsessed Aspie stereotype, and that aspect of it is true, it is impossible to put someone in so narrow a box without losing a few chunks of the individual.

I tend to relate more to nonverbal auties who use a speech device than to the highly verbal aspie who has trouble with social skills. My social skills are actually pretty good; though eye contact and body language for me are atypical (in the case of eye contact, virtually nonexistent), and these are not instruments I use to augment my social understanding. Fortunately, the high school I attend is generally accepting of different people, so the fact that I spend 90%+ of my time at school rocking and moving my hands and occasionally getting up to pace, or those days in tae kwon do that I just can't speak at all, these don't affect friendships adversely for me. At my other school, where I repressed most of these behaviors to the best of my ability out of fear, I had the understanding of a select few, the sympathy of a few more onlookers who recognized injustice - most of whom did nothing to support my efforts, however.

So as we recognize that these labels are often used as dividing lines and demeaning labels, that we are not so simplistic as to fit them - no one is - we must also consider that not everybody is being a big NT meanie who wants to take away our rights and abort us. True, we cannot be weak and submissive, or we will only be worse than ignored, but being rude will work to this unfavourable end as well.

So please, I urge all budding activists, who seek to impact the posautive change that I have begun my journey to realize, to employ tact wherever it is necessary. Of course someone who outright insults you with an ad hominem attack loses that privilege, but where the individual is not making a direct attack that is meant to villify, then please employ this tact. It is difficult at times, and what helps me is to write my angry, emotional stuff down on a separate file, then post a logical, tactful reply. (Not that I always succeed - I am sure that I have slipped up. My crowning achievement in this area is when in response to a YouTube video in which a parent referred to the autism "epidemic" as a "slaughter" I kept my cool for a 500 word response limit.)