On Regression and Skills

This started out as a forum post, but I started getting into a big meandering tangent, so I decided to make it a blog post.

I have experienced what's been called regression (actually, they called it "degrading", which is obviously even more inaccurate and offensive than "regressing").

For me, while there's been many times, most times I didn't know how to describe what was going on, when I would lose skills, and mostly believed it when I was told that I was being "unco-operative" or "playing games".

It is quite common for autistic people to have atypical acquisition and loss of skills, and it can also be triggered by overly stressful events, like change in environment or other physical or emotional distress.

I used to be really good with rote memory and arithmetic, and also pretty good with abstract math reasoning, though difficulty with understanding instructions and sequencing made me start out at each math lesson in elementary school as the slowest to learn, but once learned then I would be tutoring others on those same concepts.

I taught myself algebra and calculus when at 10, then I forgot most of it, then I learned it again at 13, along with physics, then forgot most of the calculus, and then learned it again between ages 16 and 17. At age 16, I picked up a textbook about number theory, as well as one about modern algebra.

This was in Algebra II/Trig, and I had for two weeks the ability to instantly solve logarithms problems, that would take an overhead sheet or two and half an hour for the class to solve. A few weeks later, and I couldn't remember any formulas for the next test, and got a C-.

In the two years following that, I've gotten especially good with conceptual math, and can understand the formulas so long as I don't have to remember them or to calculate arithmetic (advanced math is mostly proofs and theorems anyway, so that's no big deal).

I have had varying skills with speech. It varies more on a day-to-day or minute-to-minute basis, though, rather than between months. Though I can usually speak, I usually have to have a lot of time not speaking, not in crowds, stressful things like that. Otherwise, speech will shut down.

Since at school I am around lots of noisy kids, crowds, processing tons of speech, fluorescent lights, having to keep attention to tasks, socializing - it's a heck of a lot more stressful than a day at home with my at-home routine of court shows, I Love Lucy, Tetris, swimming, walking, writing, reading, and Internet. So speech shuts down a lot more often for me when going to school and other such busy places, which tend to put many more demands on me than the non-pressured summer-at-home environment.

More recently, in high school, while overall I was gaining a lot of skills (body awareness, identifying and articulating feelings and sensations, initiating things, socializing, riding the bus independently, etc.), the skills that I lost (reduction in how often speech is possible, arithmetic, increased rocking and other stims, generally being more visibly autistic) apparently caught their notice, even though things like stims enabled me to learn the other things and did not give me trouble.

They also said I was having more frequent meltdowns and shutdowns, but any consultation of my mother regarding driving me to school and picking me up four years earlier, would have roughly disabused them of this notion - my looking more visibly autistic clouded them to think I had increased meltdowns.

One reason that has been presented for the term "regression" to be inaccurate, as proposed by Amanda Baggs: "It is clouded by terms like regression (which implies that loss of skills is growing backwards), functioning level (which implies that all functioning is affected at the same level and that this can be measured in a linear fashion), and more autistic (which implies similar things to functioning level)"

Such implication of skills or functioning as universally measurable as going forward or backward, particularly struck my recall, recently, as I read a report from the people who did testing on me.

According to my test-score on the KTEA, I have kindergarten-level math skills. Whereas, I got a B in AP Calculus (I got "A"s on the exams, but did not turn in two chapters worth of homework) last year, and still have roughly the same ability in calculus as I did then, though it is rusty a bit from lack of practice.

Two years ago, when I was about 16, and took the Woodcock-Johnson test, I scored as well above average in math skills for my age. The difference in those two years? From sophomore year to senior year, I have lost most arithmetic skills, other than the most basic (simpler ones like 2 + 2 and 5 - 1 I can still do without writing down or using a calculator).

The testing procedure obviously is what gave the misleading score here - they had to get me to write a certain amount of questions right (I think 4) to establish a basal, then after that however many I got wrong would determine where they stop the questions. If they had done the test from the more advanced questions to the arithmetic ones, instead of the opposite way (as one person administering the test suggested), then it would've been a more accurate score.

I really do not think that I am going on to pursue a physics degree in college when I have kindergarten math skills. Sure, a third grader could outperform me at times tables, but I could outperform a high schooler at physics.

When I was 7, and I was in a class that was mostly kindergarten students, but about 5 other 1st grade students, I remember being the only one who couldn't remember my home address, and being the oldest student in the class, I considered this an embarrassment. I soon got over that, though, taking my own advise about embarrassment.

She'll Come Quietly, But Let's Grab Her Anyway

It was the day before school let off for winter break, and since I have to wait awhile (an hour usually) before school starts, I wanted to wait inside. This is fine, as during the first two weeks of December, the school administration lets us inside the first floor of the building.

What was not fine.

It was noisy. There were a number of students crowded in the lobby. I had a computer, an alphasmart, a camcorder, a tripod, a book bag and a purse, three items in each hand. And it was noisy.

It was too difficult to navigate my way outside, as there were so many people, and I was so disoriented that I would've probably dropped the equipment I was carrying (I didn't own the camcorder). So I stayed where I was, shifted myself to an area where not so many people were congregating, and I shut my eyes.

Even this, though, I couldn't concentrate enough effort to keep my stuff up in my hands (it was quite heavy). And I could still hear the unbearably loud noise, but because of the stuff I had to hold, I couldn't clasp my hands over my ears like usual.

So I dropped slowly down to the ground, set the stuff to the floor, and covered my ears.

Next thing I know, the guidance counselor is there in front of me, and while another administrator takes my stuff, she grabs me by my arm, leading me to her office. I fling my arm away, make a sound of anguish, and she grabs me again. I get out of it, and she grabs me again. And again. And again.

Now all this time, I'm fighting myself to not hit her. I keep my eyes closed. I struggle again and again, but also this is through a crowd of my peers. While I don't particularly care about what gets said about me, and there hasn't been any real bullying of me at this high school, I'd hate people to think I'm acting irrationally in not wanting to be led and grabbed by this woman who, while nice, doesn't seem to be getting something.

Except, she says she does. As I struggle to get out of her grasp, she says something along the lines of, "I know, you don't want me touching you." I get out of her grasp. She grabs me again. I get led to the office, which is much quieter and a better place to be, but why all this trouble?

What I don't understand is why was I forced through? I was not banging my head, or showing signs of being angry or aggressive. And during the time I was struggling, I was never running off or inflicting damage to her. I was trying to follow, as I had done before being forcibly picked up and removed.

None of it makes sense to me. I could understand the other counselor, who didn't know beans about responding to a person in distress, let alone anything about autism. But, unless I am drastically mistaken, this particular counselor is very privy to the fact that I am autistic, and I have been in regular contact with her regarding the scheduling of my classes and college preparation.

I'm not sure what I should do, let alone what could I do. I just feel wrong about all this, and have not made any attempt to describe, by writing or otherwise, this to anybody, even though it happened a couple of weeks ago.